Summer vacation is here and that means one thing: We will be forced to spend time with our children! I don't mean the
kind of time that results in creating lifelong memories or bonding or anything. No, I'm talking about dragging them out of bed at the break of noon, prying the remote controls and video games from their
little fingers, popping them into the old family mini-van and hauling our kids along on errands because we can't afford to leave them at home by themselves.
There are, naturally, many good reasons
why we can't leave them at home while we go about the fun grown-up stuff like grocery shopping. One is that we may not have any home to come back to if they should decide to cook while we are gone. The
second is that if more than one child is left there, together they will decide to reenact the Tyson-Holyfield fight and that's tough on the furniture, not to mention trips to the emergency room.
So when summer vacation sticks its hot, sweaty little head up and the schools set our off-spring free, we are given the opportunity to carry them along with us kicking and screaming. And while we're
doing this, our children will find ways to occupy their time, all of which have nothing whatsoever to do with the reason you came to the store in the first place. Thus, in the spirit of community
service, I offer you this reminder of what shopping (grocery and otherwise) is like with children in tow.
1. A child pushing a shopping cart is more deadly than a nuclear bomb in the possession of a
third-world terrorist. If you must trail a child with a cart behind you, take all precautions: Wear boots and insist on the kid staying half an aisle behind, otherwise be prepared to have your heels run over
approximately 30 times. Each time it happens you will say "Ow! Would you please watch where you're going?" And the kid will agree, then immediately smack into you again. Don't ask me why. It's a rule or
something.
2. Be aware that children can find something they want in any store, no matter what they sell, and this includes auto parts places and plumbing supply houses. Proceed immediately to the next
paragraph.
3. When the parent says, "No" and refuses to buy the incredibly overpriced cheap plastic object or candy or transmission or duct tape the kid wants, the child will immediately begin to troll for
something he likes better that costs at least twice the amount of the first item. He will pelt the parent with statements such as: "But I can use my allowance" "I have the money Grandma gave me for my
birthday" and "What do you mean you don't have any money? You still have checks, don't you?" Younger children will not bother to argue about funding options. They will simply throw a very loud, very visible
temper tantrum. Mothers who are completely out of toilet paper will continue to shop, grimly pushing the cart through the aisles with a screaming toddler/pre-schooler, hoping no one recognizes her. The rest
will give up and go home and not return until they run out of toilet paper.
4. Children believe all trips to the store should culminate in fast food. They will demand fast food as a reward for not
humiliating you in front of legions of others. If they are small, they want kids' meals so they can rummage for the 2-cent plastic toy and throw the meal away. If they are older they want enough burgers to
reassemble an entire cow. They do this because they like to pretend their parents are named Mr. and Mrs. Bill Gates and they have a sworn duty not to move out on their own until every single penny their
parents possess has been consumed.
5. Even if you go to the store with a list and a set budget, you will find several strange items you don't remember putting into your cart when you get back home. You are
fairly positive you never meant to buy cereal that looks like ground up cookies, not to mention a dozen candy bars. Don't worry. You aren't slipping. This is a trait they inherited from their father, and
that's why you no longer allow him to go to the store with you, either.
All in all, there's not much you can do about having to trail a stream of belligerent, half-asleep youngsters along in your
wake when you go shopping this summer, so you might as well make the best of it. I suggest turning the tables. You push the cart and hit their heels every couple seconds, demand they buy you something, stock
up on prune juice and vitamins and insist they take you somewhere to eat afterwards.
Who knows, maybe they'll start counting the days until school starts again.
