Today is the last day of school, an event prompting mothers all over the county to say to themselves, "Boy, could I use a really big
bottle of bourbon!" Ha, ha, ha. Just kidding. Really. Spending a summer with my kids in no way inspires me to imbibe. I am, after all, a modern kind of mom and I've read all those magazine articles warning us to
treasure every moment with our off-spring because time gets away from us and before you know it, boom! They've graduated, grown up and gone off on their own, only to move back home with mom and dad later when they lose
their jobs.
Yes, when the bell rings today, there will be lots of high-fiving, whooping-it-up and uncontrolled merriment – and that's just in the teacher's lounge. The principal swears they really love their jobs and
last year's conga line was merely reflective of the teachers' excitement at having successfully ripped all the old construction paper from the bulletin boards. I have my doubts, though. I think teachers are
much too unsympathetic to the plights of us moms, and way too eager to load up all those apple-shaped paperweights, bookends and refrigerator magnets they've received and go home.
But with or without their
sympathy, I've vowed to make the most of each moment I have with my kids, even if they do spend the bulk of their summer vacations in bed. We'll work on growing closer, starting at the crack of noon each day after they
pry themselves off their mattresses and stumble into the kitchen, uttering those magical words: "There's never anything to eat in this place." Yep. We're building memories here.
In the meantime, the children, in
order to blunt the dullness of the food and fun situation, are finding many new and innovative ways to entertain themselves. Mine, for instance, take up water sports. And no, I don't mean the kind where you put on a
bathing suit and actually jump into water. I mean the kind where you waltz into the shower/bathtub and let the water run and run and run and run. Let it run so long, in fact, that when an adult who has mowed the grass
after working hard all day and really needs a shower steps into it there isn't a drop of hot water within 600 miles.
My husband and I used to puzzle over the lack of hot water during the summer months until we
discovered the system our children, who have nothing to eat and nothing to do, use when cleansing themselves. It goes like this: turn the water on full blast. If you're using the bathtub, don't bother to insert the
plug. Instead, let the water run down the drain. Ditto for the shower. Then – if you're of the female persuasion, pluck your eyebrows, polish your nails (including the toenails) and try on oh, about 65 pairs of pierced
earrings to see how they look in the mirror. Shut the door while doing this so that the room becomes steamy as an Amazon jungle and the wallpaper begins to curl. But be considerate of the parents' wallets by not running
the bathroom fan, thus saving about ½ cent on the electric bill.
Finish off by getting into the tub when almost all the hot water is gone. Bathe quickly because you want to watch your favorite show and then
climb out and dry off on your parent's bed, using 12 towels and your mom's comforter.
The boy version goes like this: while the water is running in the shower, grab a stack of comic books and start reading them.
Get so lost in the comics that you forget you're supposed to be taking a shower. Use your sister's method of saving electricity. Finally get in the shower when your mother threatens to remove the door from the hinges.
Pour one hand full of shampoo into your hair and work up a lather so immense you look like you fell into a vat at the Cool Whip factory. Then use 3,000 gallons of water to rinse it off. Forget to wash anything else and
climb out. Since you also didn't bother to secure a towel before you climbed into the shower, drip dry – preferably on the carpet or your dad's computer chair.
You know, summers can get plenty boring and some
day we'd like to go on a vacation in June or July, but we can't afford one. Between water bills approaching the national debt and grocery shopping that has to be done with a semi-tractor trailer, having our kids
out of school drains our bank account. And that's really a shame, because we'd like to have enough money to buy their teachers a really nice end of the school year gift – maybe like an all-expense paid trip to Paris or
a new sports car or something like that.
Instead, I guess I'll just keep hitting those fruit-shaped refrigerator magnets clearance sales.
