I did my best to shop 'til I dropped in Italy, but most Roman women are built like a breadstick.  Come empathize on my shopping spree.

There are few things that are scarier than "me" in the morning.  Until I've had my coffee, I'm worse than any scary movie creature you can name! See for yourself.

Some things in life you never forget . . . like the initial shock of finding yourself standing in a department store actually contemplating buying a . . .  DUSTER!!! Will I do it?

You'd think that a woman who has to lift the family laundry hamper on a regular basis would qualify as an Olympic weightlifter.   But alas, my only good buns come from the grocery store!

Mothers don't have to go out in the world to get sick -- we're lucky enough to have our families import the germs to us!  Visit me on my sick bed.

Will modern science ever devise a doughnut low in carbohydrates and full of vitamins?  Come dream with me!

OK -- so I like my  lime green culottes and knee socks.  That's no reason for my kids to be horrified that someone will recognize me as their mother! Come be indignant with me!

No one can say that I can't hold up my end of the conversation when the subject turns to film . . . I'll have you know that I know as much about Barney and The Road to Eldorado as anyone!

You know those TV ads that promise if you put their product in your tub, you'll be magically transported out of your household chaos?  Baloney!

I don't think I'm too bad the way I am, as woman my age go . . . but my son seems to prefer to think of me as "Stone Cold Carole Moore"

From big hair to Cher hair, and lately to "STOP-sign red"-- I've tried it all.  Commiserate with me . . . read A Hair-Raising Tale!

It's bad enough we have to get old . . . but the final humiliation comes when your kids tell you that your dancing "looks gross! Share my humiliation . . .    Who Says I'm Not Cool!

Normal women have "lumps" in strategic places . . . Have you looked for a dress lately for women with lumps? You won't find one here, but you can Share My Misery

I'm so excited -- I lost 10 lbs! Just wish it weren't the same 10 lbs that I've already lost several times over! Barefoot and Naked -- The Only Way to Weigh Yourself!

I Said I'm Crafty -- Not Good at Crafts

I wasn't born to bend pipe cleaners into clever shapes, make my own teddy bears or bake happy-face cookies. I am the Queen of the creatively challenged, a personal deficiency that becomes most apparent when I make kid's stuff. Fortunately, most people recognize this flaw in me and whenever the kids have a party at school I'm almost always the mom in charge of paper products while the other mothers are assigned to concoct kiwi and mango fruit pizzas.

 I don't mind, really I don't. After all, my idea of adventurous kid food is a batch of  Rice Crispies treats -- you know, those things with two ingredients that a five-year-old can master? That's what I always brought to preschool-type parties (which, for the uninitiated, occur every 12 minutes). But all my creative skills were put to the test one fateful day when I was tapped by the Class Mommy to make sandwiches for the upcoming spring party.

 "I was the sandwich mom at the last party and I made little heart-shaped sandwiches -- the kids just loved them. Our theme this time will be ducks and bunnies, so please keep that in mind," she told me.

 Never let it be said I can't rise to a challenge! I marched right down to the store and bought a duck-shaped cookie cutter, bread and bologna. Then I made a test sandwich, which I proudly displayed to my spouse.

 "What's that?" he asked in a voice heavy with suspicion.

 "It's a bologna sandwich."

 "Why's it shaped like a llama?"

 "It's not a llama. It's a duck," I said.

 "Looks like a llama to me."

 Well, maybe it did look a teensy-weensy bit like a llama. But the kids ate them anyway and my family spent the next three days consuming reverse bologna sandwiches with holes in the shape of a duck (or llama, depending on one's point of view) cut out of the centers.

 I'm sorry to report this was merely the beginning of the end of my career as a Martha Stewart wannabe, for I soon discovered that, in addition to failing Cunning Animal-shaped Sandwiches 101, I'm also a wash-out in the crafts department.

 While other mothers were busy knitting bedspreads and hooking rugs I was still trying to master painting by the numbers. In desperation, I did something I'm ashamed of even to this day -- I took up decoupage. I chose it because it's an art form requiring only one skill: using glue. Eventually I turned 498 tin cans into pencil holders, putting an end to my artistic career only when people started wrapping them up and giving them back to me as Christmas gifts.

 Then one Yule season someone with too much time on her hands gave my kids gardening gloves with cunning little faces embroidered on the finger tips. My kids gave hers each a box of chocolate-covered cherries. The next year, she gave my kids personalized picture frames. I gave hers boxes of chocolate-covered cherries. Then she gave my kids scarves with their names hand-knitted into them. And my kids gave hers chocolate covered cherries AND decoupaged pencil holders. We haven't heard from her since.

 Come to think of it, decoupaging those pencil holders didn't turn out to be such a waste of time, after all!