1. Most Roman women are built like a breadstick. If you don't believe it, try buying clothes there. Women's clothes comes in three sizes: Medium, Small and Even Smaller Than That. Unfortunately for me,
there is no size called Bigger Than A Bread Truck.
2. As a general rule, the shorter the store's name, the more expensive the items and the skinnier the sales associates. Armani, Valentino and Versace
have skinnier sales people and more expensive merchandise than, say, Guido's Clothing Emporium. And a belt at a one-name store costs about the same as a mini-van does without being anywhere near as useful.
3. The less merchandise in a store, the more that merchandise costs. A store that looks like the occupants are in the process of moving and most of their stuff has already been put into the U-Haul and
all that's left are a couple of things in the closet that the first couple of trips didn't catch probably isn't going to carry tee-shirts that say "Someone in Rome Loves Me." But if they do, they will cost
approximately the same amount of money as four years tuition to Duke University.
4. Italians consider shoes to be of major importance. The shoes they wear today will hit American stores in about a year.
When American stores start carrying Italian shoe styles, they will immediately go out of fashion in Italy. There is a reason for this: Italians for not want to look like us. Flip flops and tennis shoes with
little fold-up wheels inside the bottoms of them are not now, nor have they ever been, big in Rome.
5. A sign that says, "Liquidazione" in front of a major fashion designer's store does not mean
that the items inside will approach affordable to the average person who possesses neither trust fund nor sugar daddy. A sweater that is advertised as half off on the outside of the store still sells on the inside
of the store for about the equivalent of an Amtrak railway car.
6. No self-respecting Roman would ever be caught wearing any of the following: Polyester anything, tennis shoes (unless one is actually
playing tennis), a maternity shirt with an arrow that points to the tummy and says, "Bambino," bandanas, one-size-fits-all, elastic waist pants, sweatsuits, plastic rain bonnets or tee-shirts with the legend "Stolen
from UNC Athletic Dept.
7. All Romans dress in black – from head to toe. Being in the more fashionable parts of Rome can resemble being plopped down in the middle of the world's biggest funeral.
8. Americans stick out like sore thumbs in Rome. We are not whippet thin. We do not wear four-inch high heels to empty the garbage. And we do not dedicate ourselves to fashion. Nope. We dedicate
ourselves to eating.
9. If I had a choice between wearing four-inch heels with grace and eating Twinkies, the little yellow sponge cakes win every time. OK – so maybe I'm NOT Italian, after all.
But I am crazy about their food. Does that count?
