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Surprise!!!!! . . . It's A Baby! |
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© 2003 Carole Moore |
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Lee Beard was busy and didn't have time to be sick. But darned if she didn't feel as though she was coming down with something. "I thought maybe I had the flu," Lee said. Well, not exactly. Try -- pregnant. "I had an amniocentesis because of my age and I joked
right before hand that with my luck, it would be twins," she said. Sure enough, the ultrasound showed not one, but two little babies. "When I came home I showed the two ultrasound pictures to (husband)
Tim and said, 'Your babies are fine.'" Tim wanted to know if she'd paid extra in order to get a second picture, but it didn't take long for reality to set in. Once the girls were born, life took a radical change for the
Beard family. Now, fraternal twins Laura and Mary are fourth-graders at Northwoods Elementary School. Another chance at diapers wasn't exactly what the Beards had in mind at a time when most couples their
age are making plans for retirement. Was it tough getting up for middle-of-the-night feedings when her most of her friends' children were filling out college applications? "I don't think I got any rest until the
babies were sitting up," Lee said. An accountant who was 38 when the girls came along, she said the entire family had difficulty adjusting, but once they did it was definitely worth it. They had two other children when
the younger girls were born -- Lisa was a freshman in high school and Steven was nine. "The older kids were shocked when we told them," Lee said, adding that Steven -- who up until then was the baby of the
family -- took the news the hardest. "His whole world just went down the toilet," she said. Over time the Beard children adjusted to the new social order -- but not without navigating a few bumps in the road.
Author Ann Douglas, who co-wrote "The Unofficial Guide to Having A Baby" (Hungryminds 1999), says an unplanned baby -- or two -- late in a marriage can have a tremendous effect on older children. "Older kids may
be angry and perhaps even a little embarrassed to know that there's a baby on the way," Douglas says. Jacksonville dance instructor Connie Moore shifts her position, trying to relieve the strain on her back.
She and her husband, James, are also preparing for a surprise baby. Connie, who is 39, said the first clue that she might be pregnant was similar to Lee's experience.
"I really had no idea what was going on, I wasn't feeling right," Connie said. But as the days passed, she became more than a little suspicious that the stork might be in a holding pattern over their
house. An over-the-counter pregnancy test confirmed it: she's due June 30. Daughter Christina, a middle school student, has told her mother that she feels sorry for her. "I have a hard time getting comfortable,"
Connie says. But Connie says she's still not sure how Christina feels about losing her "only child" status. "Christina has always been very hard to read," Connie says of the bright-eyed blonde. How will
Christina react when the new baby officially moves in? Douglas says it's hard to tell, but there are a number of pitfalls to avoid. She says, for example, some parents curtail their social activities once a new baby
comes along. This can make the older children feel devalued. "Ideally, the parents should take turns doing things with the older kids so that their world doesn't get turned upside down overnight," Douglas said.
Debbie McIntosh, a San Diego resident and mother of five, says her blended family of three older girls from a first marriage and two boys with her present husband, John, was more financially than emotionally
stressful. The couple planned on one son, but Debbie soon found herself expecting a surprise baby just a short year later. "It was probably harder for my husband because he felt the burden of supporting all of
us and was overwhelmed by the responsibility," she said. Debbie says her daughters really weren't jealous of their new brothers. "My girls were happy to have a baby in the house," she said.
Douglas agrees that most older children will eventually accept a new brother or sister. "Babies are programmed to charm everyone around them, and they are quite capable of winning the hearts of even the
most self-centered adolescent," Douglas said. But, she cautions, don't make the mistake of turning older siblings into babysitters. They'll resent it. "I was the youngest sister and I never babysat, so I
wouldn't do that to my own child," Connie said. She said that now she has had time to adjust to her impending arrival, she's looking upon it as a second chance to enjoy watching a child grow. "And I think it's
also easier because I know what to expect this time around," she said. But what about the older siblings? What are their expectations? Joe Ross, a land manager in Roseburg, Oregon, was the youngest born to
parents aged 35 and 36. He says he was more of a nuisance to his brother, who was eight years older than he, and sister, senior to him by 10 years. "At times I felt like a pet," Ross says tongue-in-cheek. "Then
there was the time my sister dressed me up like a girl, including make-up." But Ross cites his older siblings as role models and says he was essentially an only child once they left home. "Being the only
child at home from 5th grade though high school had its advantages and disadvantages," he said. But he also confesses it wasn't so bad. "Probably more of the former," Ross said. But while parents are
warming that bottle or seeing the younger child successfully through his earliest school days, older children also need to interact with mom and dad. Douglas says it's important to celebrate the milestones older kids
reach. "(Make) sure she's still there for major events in their lives: sporting events, recitals, graduations, etc.," Douglas says. And the absolute worst thing a parent can do from the perspective of the older
child? "They say, 'Oh well, we'll have an instant babysitter.' I've seen people in that situation and I don't think the siblings get along at all," Connie says. Lee says their brood just pretty much
stayed at home after the twins were born. "It was too much to try and carry everything with you," she said. But she laughs at the nursery decor.
"Nothing matched. I went to yard sales and stocked up," Lee said. Older mothers who've been down that path before tend not to worry about the fancy trappings that go with new babies. The theme nurseries
and matching high chairs give way to more practical concerns...like being worn out when you finally climb into bed at night. From the point of view of a pregnant, nearly 40 mom, it's a tough haul physically.
"I'm feeling my age with this pregnancy," Connie said. "It was a lot easier 12 years ago. I'm more tired and have had more morning sickness," she said.
But when the baby does arrive, Lee says Connie will actually find it easier. "I think I've stayed younger because of them," she said of her twins. And the baby itself can be a wonderful gift after
many years of no little ones in the household. Just ask Chris Yasuda Kubo whose surprise baby is now 12 years old. A Turlock, Calif., farmer's wife who works with disabled school children, Kubo is of Japanese
descent. With that in mind, she asked for help in coming up with a name for her fifth child -- an unplanned surprise baby. "I asked my mother to find a name that fit him. She named him Hideaki (shining
brilliance)," Chris said. |
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