Berra must have had some kind of secret connection to government agencies, which – when it comes to
making light of death – have a unique take on the condition. Consider the following notice sent by the Greenville, S.C., Dept. of Social Services: "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." Obviously they know something we don't. Not to be outdone by a mere state agency, Internal
Revenue Service Form 8583, dubbed "Passive Activity Loss Limitation," has this sage advice: "Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity."
Well,
what do you expect from an agency with a training manual for IRS tax auditors that tells its employees: "You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing."
I always knew they were pretending.
While I'm on the topic, the sporting world seems to generate more than its fair share of Yogi Berras. Like basketball commentator Doug Collins' observation that, "Any
time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win." Guess you don't really need to take math to figure that one out.
Or how about coach Bill Peterson's
peppy team talk that concluded: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." And, of course, there's baseball's Mike Smith, who ordered a salad at a restaurant and then
told the waitress, "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
But not all the really memorable sayings spring from the sports world. Former FCC Chairman Mark Fowler once explained a heart monitor thusly:
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
Don't know about you, but that makes me feel a whole lot better.
Manufacturers apparently encounter a lot of common sense-impaired types. Otherwise, why would they have instructions such as these? From the
maker of a baby walker: "How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." Yep – kind of hard to fold those suckers up with the baby still in it. Or this warning label on a Batman costume: "Caution: Cape does not
enable user to fly." Really?
How about this timely advice from the former head of the U.S. Dept. of Energy, David Miller, on how to protect oneself from nuclear radiation: "All you have to do is go down to the
bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath." I think I'll let him go first.
All I can say is that the National Hockey League's Floyd Smith sums up my feelings on this subject quite well: "I have nothing
to say, and I'll only say it once."
And, please, don't make me have to repeat myself.
