My friend Diane and I often compare days by phone. It's a sanity saver. We try to do it when the children aren't around because when they are, the conversation usually goes
something like this:"Hi, it's me. No, you can't have another Hostess Cupcake. You've already eaten three. Put them down! Now! Did you see the Bounty's on sale?"
"I said that chicken was supposed
to be for the chicken salad I planned to make for dinner tonight. What PTA meeting? What note? Yeah, I already stocked up. So, what are you having for dinner?
"GET YOUR FILTHY SOCKS OFF THE KITCHEN
COUNTER! I don't really know yet. Maybe spaghetti. Are you finished with your spelling words?"
"We had that last night. Why would I know where your soccer shoes are? I haven't had them on. Have you looked
in your room? Well, go look. There's a good movie on tonight."
"Why would I put your Godzilla in the washing machine? No, I'm not going to stop it and look. He'll just have to take his chances with the
rest of the laundry. You know I never have time for movies anymore. I'm still trying to take a bubble bath."
"Sign what paper? I thought I already signed that paper. What do you mean you left your math
book in your locker? I've got some coupons that are going to expire tomorrow. I think I'll try to run by the store after dinner. Get that lizard out of here right now!"
"Yeah, I've a whole stack I should
use, but you know how that is. I have no idea who the president of Brazil is. I don't even know if Brazil has a president. Ask your Dad. I know he's not home. Ask him when he gets here. Have you ever made
meatloaf in a microwave?"
"Never tried it. If you drink that entire bottle of soda, you're going to get sick. What do you mean you need $30? Well, guess I need to go. I hear someone screaming in the
bathroom."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I think that's smoke coming from the den. Bye."
It says something for our friendship that we don't need an interpreter when we talk. I know when she's addressing
me and when it's the kids she's talking to (besides, I've never even owned a lizard, much less taken one over to her house).
But it's not just Diane with whom I have these part-time conversations: it's
everybody I know with kids still at home. Telephones are kid magnets.
As babies they cried whenever the phone rang, and usually upchucked at a critical point in the conversation. As toddlers they jabbered
nonsense and attempted to hurtle themselves off tall pieces of furniture whenever I took to the phone. As they've gotten older, they've decided my telephone time is the ideal moment to talk. Many times I've
halted my conversation, held out the receiver and said, with exasperation: "See this? It's a phone. I'm holding it because I'm talking on it. There's another person on the other end who's trying to talk
back. Do you understand me?"
Their faces mirror their concern. In other words, I get blank looks. And no matter what I do, the telephone chatter just keeps on rolling along. But that's ok. It'll be my turn
soon -- and I plan to wait until they're teens.
Ever heard someone's Mom singing, "Midnight Hour" at the top of her lungs while the delicate teen is on the telephone trying to impress that certain someone?
"I'm gonna wait 'til the midnight hour...when my love comes tumbling down....Yeah!"
